The Stepmother That Was Really A Man
by HyperactiveGoatPosse
Summary: *latches teeth onto table* Trust me, unless you're really... insane, you won't understand this... But read it anyways! Corrupting minds is my business. "This is my stepmother! His name is Ben!"
1. When A Man and A Moose Reproduce

H a r r y: Hello Ron. Hello Snape. Hi, Draco. Where is Hermione?  
  
S n a p e: Cross-dressing her sheep.  
  
R o n: You didn't know? Rrrright...  
  
H a r r y: Why? *sobs* Why sheep? WHY?!  
  
N a r r a r a t o r: SHUT UP OR BE ERASED  
  
H a r r y: Fine, fine... *mumbles* stupid narrarator...  
  
S n a p e: And now, I exit... *shuffles away*  
  
H a r r y / R o n: NOOOO! MY LOVER!!!  
  
H a r r y / R o n: What? HE'S MINE, I TELL YOU! MINE!  
  
Harry and Ron start beating eachother atop the head with impossibly long baseball bats.  
  
Harry is suddenly hit atop the head by a flying Egg McMuffin and dies a slow and painful death.  
  
R o n: Ah. Love prevails. Now that that's over...  
I AM ALONE!!!!!!!  
  
Ron stares at the wall. Suddenly, a long, trumpeting fart echoes through the room. A dreamy smile leaks down Ron's face. (leaks?)  
  
Suddenly, Harry stands up and points at Ron.  
  
((moments of silence))  
  
H a r r y: THERE'S A MOOSE IN YOUR SHORTS!  
  
Ron looks down.  
  
((moment of silence))  
  
R o n: AAHHH! MOOSE! IN MY SHORTS!  
  
Suddenly, a man in a Speedo runs in.   
  
S p e e d o G u y: I'll save you!  
  
He pokes the Moose until it exits Ron's pants with a pleasured grin.  
  
M o o s e: *artificial smile* Meep! *hides in randomly placed potted plant*  
  
Speedo guy takes off his Speedo to reveal....  
  
P R O F E S S O R S N A P E: Hey, folks. How's my lover? *looks at the Moose*  
  
Moose jumps out of plant and hugs Snape.  
  
Moose and Snape walk away into the randomly placed sun, to live slappily ever after.  
  
N a r r a r a t o r: The end?  
  
Harry falls over.  
  
Ron makes a campfire out of artificial wood and burns Harry's corpse. He throws it off the cliff.  
  
Harry walks into the uncharacteristically pungeant room.  
  
H a r r y: Hey, Ron. *sits next to Ron*  
  
R o n: I thought I got rid of you!!!  
  
H a r r y: *makes sexy eyebrow movement* You can never get rid of Harry Potter.  
  
Ron jumps on top of Harry and.....  
  
  
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT PERILOUS EPISODE OF INSANE FREAKS!!  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
Epilogue  
  
M o o s e: Snapey, my darling?  
  
S n a p e: Yes, honey?  
  
M o o s e: I'm pregnant!  
  
S n a p e: *twirls finger* Woo hoo.  
  
Moose and Snape suddenly fall off a cliff and rot for eternity at the bottomless pit... or do they?  
_____________________________________________________  
  
why did i randomly put spaces between the letters of the names? dunno i felt like it 


	2. The Next Plot

Harry: Hello, Folks.  
  
Ron: Yo. 'Dup, yall?  
  
Harry: Now, before we give you the show, you must read and understand the rules. They are:  
  
1) No poking the Golden Monkey. (He's MINE!)  
  
2) No talking to the randomly selected audience members unless they talk to you  
  
3) No throwing socks  
  
4) No cursing or use of the following words: sugar, cheese, moose-piss, and chili.  
  
5) No name-calling unless the assaultant has a jellybean crawling up his finger  
  
6) Etc. etc.  
  
Breaking of the rules may result in the following:  
  
1) Death of your pet Hamburger  
  
2) Erosion of your moose-poking machine; or  
  
3) The worst of all: wetting your frilly, lacy panties and running off the set, screaming like a girl.  
  
Ron nods vigorously.  
  
Harry: That's all folks!  
  
Random audience member: Hey! The show hasn't even started!  
  
Ron and Harry look at each other.  
  
Ron: Err... we kinda... well... don't have anything else... SO I GUESS WE WILL JUST HAVE TO INPROVISE!  
  
Harry: One warning: Snape and the Moose are... um... *glances around* ... Snape and the Moose are on vacation. Yeah, that's it. Well, we've hired a new cast member: Proffessor Sprout!  
  
Proffessor Sprout walks onstage, looking flushed and worried.  
  
Sprout: H-hi Harry. Sup, Ron?  
  
Ron: Nuffin, and you, Flanny?  
  
Sprout: Flanny? Who the hell is Flanny?   
  
(Sprout has lost stagefright)  
  
Ron: Oh, Flanny is---  
  
Ron is suddenly abducted by aliens.  
  
Sprout: Oh, what the hey! Let's have a party!  
  
Suddenly, the room becomes a random hallway. Music is playing at different volumes from insignifigant banjoes.  
  
Sprout: PARTY OVA HEEAH! YaA YaA YaA! uH HUH! wHOO BAY BAY!   
  
Ron: I'm hungry. Hey, Minerva (who just suddenly appeared out of nowhere), got any Rold Gold?  
  
Minerva: I don't sell my--- I mean--- er-- I don't sell drugs to students.  
  
Ron: Aww, Minerva. You know I am your secret lover! *Rupert Grint's twisted sexy smile*   
  
Minerva starts digging around in her uncharacteristically deep pockets. Moments later, she pulls out an enormous bag of Rold Gold pretzels that would have NEVER fit even in HER pockets.  
  
Minerva: Here ya' go, lover. *shakes eyebrows*  
  
Ron: I didn't mean Rold Gold the pretzels, you rotten whore! And I am not your lover! I paid you, remember?!   
We 're over!  
  
Ron storms out of room and falls up to heaven, just to be kicked out by Snape, who is mad at him for cheating on him with Minerva. Ron falls all the way down to Hell and rots there for eternity.  
  
Harry: Now that that's settled... COME HERE, MY LOVE!  
*summons Minerva*  
  
Minerva sits on his lap, and they kiss until they run out of breath and suffocate.  
  
The End...?  
  
((ten minutes pass))  
  
Random Audience Member # 2: Hey! What the HELL happened to the last show's cliffhanger? Weren't Ron and Harry doing something?  
  
Random Harry Potter Character: Duh! They started reading the rules, you moron! didn't you read--- I mean watch the beginning?  
  
RAM#2: Oh... I forgot. Sorry, people----  
  
An Unidentified Flying Sheep hits him on the head with a small fork, and flies off laughing maniacally.  
  
Narrarator: What will happen? You know what to do. WATCH THE NEXT EPISODE!!  
________________  
  
yeah and thanks for watching. bye now ;-p go find a better writer to hug 


	3. Old Vietnam Guy & Eating a Hamster

Harry: *wide, insane smile* Hello, pals! Welcome to Episode Three!  
  
Ron: Yeah, come join the party!  
  
(a/n ack i have blisters on my tongue! too much sugar!)  
  
*Hermione enters*   
Hermione: I like tuna!  
  
*an old tripod guy waddles onscreen and recites a speechy thing*  
  
Old guy:   
I was in Vietnam  
I was traumatized by vietnam  
i saw bullets flyin over my head in vietnam  
they had very excellent pot in vietnam  
it was made by little gay vietnamese strip boys in vietnam  
goddamn dirty communists  
i would like to go back there in vietnam   
and get high and drunk there  
in vietnam  
i lost my genitilia in vietnam  
istead of having my giggle stick senior peety down there i now have apiece of plastic from vietnam  
goddamn gov't bastards  
i had a nice time in vietnam   
til my BF joe the moe got shot in his face cause he was playin with his winky again  
in his last wishes in vietnam  
he said "charlie i have a confession to make  
in vietnam  
i am the biggest faggot on this side of indiana."  
i said "SHOOT HIM AGAIN 2 times cause i dont like faggots."  
i was very sad after that but i dont like faggots, they can burn in hell  
thsi has been my story  
in vietnam  
if you didn't like this story  
i'll come kick your little white boy ass  
cause my name is charlie meriwether winkey lewis the III  
and i was in vietnam  
SPERM WHALE LUBRICANT.  
  
Ron *amazed*: Really?  
  
Old guy: *grabs his neck and starts vibrating violently and secreting from the mouth* SEIZURE!  
  
*Old guy dies*  
  
Old guy: I have died. In Vietnam.  
  
Ron, Hermione, and Harry all suddenly spontaneously combust as a new, randomly placed goat walks in on his hind legs, displaying his genitilia to the public.   
  
Goat: I am the new star of the show. *Pulls out a large medallion* OBEY ME NOW!  
  
*The notorious threesome (threesome?!) wakes up from the dead suddenly.*  
  
Harry/Hermione/Ron: *murder goat* ACK! Now that that's over with. Here's some entertainment for you as we go seek a better, more improved plot idea for the writer, who is desperately thinking of things to make your mind corrupt.  
  
*they exit stage*  
  
INTERMISSION  
  
*a dancing gopher appears and starts tapdancing. He soon gets to eating buttered camel, and finally, for the finale, he pulls out three extremely agitated lobsters and starts soothing them with hot wax!*  
  
Hermione walks onstage. Harry follows. Ron has his thumb up his butt hole and he is just standing there, a pleasured grin on his face.  
  
The three are on lunch break. Harry pulls out a small package wrapped in aluminum foil, and opens it. A dead hamster is inside. He sticks it in a microwave for a few minutes, and pulls it out and stares at it hungrily. He pries open the stomach with his fingers and starts ravenously devouring his vital organs...  
  
Hermione opens a lunchbox covered with pictures of teens going at it with farm animals. Within the lunchbox, she finds a flowered pattern of fabric. She licks her lips, and stuffs it in her mouth.  
  
Ron starts gnawing on a sleeping audience member's foot. Once he has torn the foot entirely off, he quickly stuffed the secreting limb into his Pull-Ups(TM) training pants.   
  
(A/n yes, that was disturbing. I was in a perverted mood :-p)  
  
INTERMISSION OVER  
  
Harry: Well, that's about it.  
  
Hermione: Yeah, bye now!  
  
Ron: *hurries off to a near porta potty* 


	4. Sheepgetsontopofgoatandstuffhappens

Harry: *drinks a bottle of Clorox Disinfectant Bleach* Welcome back! Now to begin Episode Four: Revenge of the Sheepthatgotontopofgoatsandbitofftheirhornsfornoapparentreason! To introduce you to the stars, here is a video of a goat and a sheep in an argument.  
  
Ron: Now, some of you might be animal rights defenders so....  
  
Harry: We highly advise you not watch this.  
  
*video starts*  
  
Goat: You suckkkkkk!  
  
Sheep: Sooooooooooooo?  
  
Goat: Your maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaama!  
  
Sheep: She's niiiiiiiiiiiice, eh?  
  
Goat: Vvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeery niceeee.  
  
Sheep: Soooooooooooo's your dad!  
  
Goat: *pulls out an impossibly large baseball baaaat*  
  
Sheep: *pulls out tuna sandwich*  
  
Goat: *thwacks Sheep with bat*  
  
Sheep: *thwacks Goat with sandwich*  
  
Goat: *eats sandwich* *cough* *choke* *hack* *die*  
  
Sheep: Mwaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha!  
  
Goat: *ressurect* I neverrrrrrrrrrrrr die!   
  
Sheep: *gets on top of Goat and bites off his horns for no apparent reason*  
  
*Harry walks in with a machine gun and blows the hell out of both animals*  
  
Goat: *dies* Iiiiiiiii'm dead now. *falls over and twitches*  
  
Sheep: *doesn't die* *pulls out another sandwich and starts eating*  
  
Harry: *shoves sandwich down Sheep's throat*  
  
Sheep: *dies*  
  
*Harry walks off satisfied*  
  
*end video*  
  
Harry: Yes, I know that had absolutely nothing to do with Hogwarts, but, hey, it was fun. Now for the episode!  
  
Hermione: *walks in wearing nothing but carefully placed duct tape*  
  
Ron: *inspects Hermione*  
  
Harry: *inspects Ron*  
  
Ron: *pokes Hermione* You're a soda machine.  
  
Hermione: No I'm not. *pulls ear* See? I'm not.  
  
*moments later*  
  
Goat: *walks in, reincarnated again*  
  
Sheep: *walks in, reincarnated again*  
  
Ron: Guess who's back. Back again. Sheepthatgotontopofgoatsandbitofftheirhornsfornoapparentreason's back. Tell a friend. Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, duh nuh nuh!  
  
Harry: *starts rapping along with Ron*  
  
Hermione: *peels off tape to reveal a rubber body suit*  
  
*they all start dancing around for hours...*  
  
*meanwhile...*  
  
Snape: I love you, Moose!  
  
Moose: And I, you, Snapeyrapeyonacakey!  
  
Snape: *puts in movie*  
  
*the two snuggle up together to watch a porno movie*  
  
*meanwhile, the party's over*  
  
Harry: There's a large lump of dog excretion on that table... where'd it come from?  
  
Ron: Don't look at me.  
  
Hermione: Most likely a dog..  
  
Harry: May I... have it?  
  
Hermione/Ron: Yeah, but save some for us.  
  
*Harry starts molding the poo around in his hands and eyes it hungrily*  
  
*Hagrid walks in, falls over, and an earthquake occurs*  
  
*Hagrid gets up. He sneaks up behind Harry and steals the poo and greedily devours it*  
  
*Harry turns around and bites off Hagrids fingers one by one until he dies of blood loss*  
  
*a random camel wanders onscreen and eats Hagrid's remains, and leaves on a note of "Moo."*  
  
(A/N: don't ask.)  
  
Ron, Harry, and Hermione (simultaneously): Song time!  
  
*Hermione starts humming Complicated's beginning guitar thing in baritone* *whispers* Life's like this  
  
*Ron starts humming it at Soprano* *whispers* thats the way it is  
  
*Harry starts singing*  
  
Chill out! Whatcha yellin for?  
Lay back! It's all been done before.  
And if  
you could only let it be  
you will see...  
I like  
you the way you are  
when we're driving in your car  
and you're  
talkin to me one on one  
then you become!...  
  
*harry starts massaging himself sensually as he continues singing*  
  
Narrarator: Ahem.  
  
Harry: *stops* *music goes off and Hermione and Ron stop humming* Hey, have you heard the song "I'm With You"?  
  
Ron: Yeah.   
  
Harry: You know the lyrics, "I don't know who you are, but I, I'm with you"?  
  
Ron: Yeah.  
  
*Harry giggles and nods*  
  
(A/N: Perverted, yes, I know, but, that's how I think.)  
  
Ron: *cracks up* hahahah! Avril L. must be pretty desperate, going home with somebody whose name she didn't even know! Didn't know she was that way...  
  
Narrarator: AHEM!  
  
Ron: Oh, sorry folks, no more dirty discussions or dirty dancing for you. We have run out of money to pay the actors. We will not be able to continue it... unless.. of course... you donate 190.5 million dollars to us! Of course... wait! I don't need to be here! They're not giving me my daily male prostitute anymore! *walks off stage*  
  
*everyone else is gone and the stage lights shatter* *an atom bomb goes off nearby, and everyone dies except one sheep, who happened to be safely sheltered within a porta potty* 


End file.
